Today is my 30th birthday. I am an under the radar birthday celebrator. Every moment of my days lately has been dedicated to just staying binge free and today I feel the call of the hunkering, isolating binge craving creeping into my mind.
When I feel self-critical, when I fret about the future, ruminate about what was and what could have been - the potential squandered, the body I once had, etc etc - my sense of agency and empowerment diminishes.
What would a 30yr old do? I ask myself.
Everyone muddles through middle school, frantically gropes through high school and college; everyone finds ways to run from themselves in their twenties. I am here. I am thirty. And somehow I feel as though it's an initiation into the 'just run with it' crowd. There's no more running away. There's only running towards the dark to release the light. Running towards the truth to gain freedom. The truth is I have lived my life feeling 'wrong' and feeling as though I 'shouldn't be here.' 'Here' was the realm of everyone else. This school, this cafe, this office, this movie set, this theater: wherever I was, I was the outsider. Or so I thought. And still think. But now I know that those feelings and thoughts are symptoms of anxiety and self-consciousness.
Yoga teaches us to release ego and tap into the Oneness of nature. Tap into the suffering within oneself and the suffering of others so that we know we are not alone and so we can find the path to peace. My worth and innate value is not a function of my feelings of unworthiness. Our worth and value are absolutes, eternal and indelible no matter what we think or feel or do. What we have endured is no longer here. The hurts we have felt, the messages we received about who we 'should' be are no longer the low-hanging fruit, but only if we chose to live in the moment. I chose to live as a 30yr old woman, I chose to determine how I feel about myself and to stretch my mind past its habituated thinking. Snap the bands that keep pulling you back.
Breathe into the tension in your brow and the tension in your shoulders. Release. Release. Release. You are safe. You are protected. You are here.