So. Are you someone who has trouble staying motivated at the gym? Or do you perhaps have all-or-nothing thinking about what your workout should be? FMD guest post @ A Weight Lifted
For a long time, I didn’t consider any type of movement besides busting ass on some machine, exercise. And if I wasn’t busting ass on said machine, then it also didn’t count. See, I had exercise bulimia. It controlled my life, it controlled my thoughts. Exercise was my job. And every minute of it had to be busting-ass torture.
I have finally worked through that horrible cycle, though my eating habits could still be considered ‘disordered’ at times. But the best part of it is the FREEDOM I have to change up my exercise routines and change up my exercise mentality.
I don’t know why, but for a long time I just didn’t take in the information I was getting. Especially about the concept of INTERVAL TRAINING. But now, I’ve toyed around with it in tiny little baby steps, and I’m actually internalizing the change. I had the info, now I have the experience. And I get to be amazed when I realize that slowing down for a few minutes will actually help me work out more. I’m trying not to go at it at 100% all the time, and I burn out a lot less frequently b/c of that.
My resistance had to do with the fact that by using the interval principle, you have to actually tune in to your body. And b/c exercise had been part of my negative behavior cycle, it was just another way to numb out and ignore/shame my body.
Old habits die hard. But eventually the freedom to choose seems far more enticing.
Now my challenge is to deal with that freedom! I’ve begun eating more healthfully, experiencing the habit of regular meals; how it feels in my body, how it feels emotionally. It’s better than before, but still feels unnatural in some way.
It’s hard. At times it seems impossible. I really do miss the excitement of bingeing. I am grieving my old lifestyle, no matter that it was destructive and depressing. I am grieving my safety net of the known pain.
Ellie Di Julio, The Headologist, talked earlier this week about the tyranny of choice. She suggests that in order to keep moving forward and avoid the paralyzing effects of too much choice, we need to focus and get in touch with Self.
Geesh. Doesn’t it seem that getting in touch with Self is, like, THE ONLY OPTION? When feeding ourselves, when moving in our bodies, when working and talking. When we’re in conflict, when we’re in joy: just get in touch with Self, and problem solved. Of course, no one who practices this process or who encourages us to try it ever tells us it’s easy. It’s a simple concept, not a simple practice.
I’ve got all these different parts of me, all these voices and inspirations. Who am I? What do I want? What is possible? On Monday, I was reminded to use empowering language. But, what should all that empowering energy go towards!?! I guess that’s the trouble with talking to yourself: you’ve got to listen and be ready to hear something that you’ve been afraid to listen to.
For today, I will define success as simply staying true to my recovery: the nuts and bolts of it. Feed myself daily, move daily, and create daily. And that is just about as much freedom as I’ve had in a long, long time. xo