Wilbur: MUD!
Julia: What?
W: Lincoln. There was so much mud!
J: Yeah, but it was also really…
W: Filled with mud!
J: A lot of that was the blood of Civil War soldie…
W:MUD!!
J: Ok. Let’s move on to Les MIs. Lincoln was longer, but I didn’t look at my watch half as often as I did in that freaking musical.
W: Also lots of mud!
J: Wilbur! Let me fucking talk about the movies, ok? And the craziness of going to the theater on Christmas Day, by myself…
W: Hey!
J: Ok. With my stuffed animal. Is that less crazy?
W: Obviously.
J: Anyway…with my stuffed animal, in sweat pants, un-showered, while happy families filled in around me. Us. Remember? We got there early and sat in the middle and by the time the movie started we were completely trapped in a sea of cheery families. Not to mention the fact that the movie was awful. Lincoln was great. Let’s talk about Beasts of the Southern Wild.
W: Gasps. Hyperventilates…So…much…mud!
J: Yup.
W: And…there..was…a…pig!!
J: I met that pig. I was in charge of that pig while on set.
W: What!? You never told me!
J: No shit.
W: Do you have her number?
J: Wilbur…
W: No…I can’t go on. I’m gonna go. I’m getting too hot in here.
J: Yeah, you should probably leave.
W: Talk to your people about Depression and how going to the movies helped break the cycle of isolation.
J: Will do, Doc W.
W: Hey. I’m only looking out for you. Reminding you what’s important.
J: You mean it’s not all about the mud?
W: Shut up.
J: Go play outside.
W: Remember to mention that winter is a tough time for people. Not just depressed people. The stress of holidays and coldness and stuff.
J: Well, you pretty much just did that. But I’ll add movies also help connect to the little girl inside me. And that’s part of the healing process. A lot of growing up has to do with being our own parent. Many of the shades of my sadness come from that younger Julia. I remember feeling sad and disconnected back then. So, movies have helped in that sense.
Before this holiday season, I hadn’t gone to the movies in years. And since December, I’ve seen ten. Wearing sweatpants to each. Sometimes I wear earrings and eyeliner. The point is, that as a lone wolf who skirts the edges of recluse-status, I have added a new, safe behavior.
Just like using affirmations to decrease negative self-talk, adding nourishing behaviors to decrease negative ones is easier than trying to stop those habits.
W: So, I should ADD talking about food scraps, so I'm not talking about mud all the time?
J: ....Something like that.
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I have Moo Moo (a cow). And Matilda (a chicken). And I used to have Mojo (a monkey). Moo Moo came to see "The Simpsons Movie" with me right after a breakup.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, yes, yes on the reparenting! That's currently part of my healing process as well.
You're doing well, Julia. In my current therapy lingo, you're opening up your window of tolerance, bit by bit.
Matilda the chicken! That's from Muppet Babies, right! (or just The Muppets...but remember Muppet Babies?!). "Window of tolerance," chock that up to similar to "taking risks" and "wedging out Self energy time." xo
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